To properly frame the discussion I will have over the course
of this blog I will need to cover a little personal history. Or to put it
plainly, relate true stories to make my points.
One of the first gifts my good buddy the Corkster gave me was
a custom car he completed while at pottery class. He was just a little guy at
the time, and he was fascinated by my job and he wanted to show me how he too
had mastered the miracle of painting a car. Corey had painted the porcelain
body of a sporty looking clay vehicle red using a brush as only a 3 year old
could do. He further customized it with a handfuls of glitter dropped onto the
freshly painted surface including the windshield, bumpers and headlights. If
you picked the car up and turned it over in your hands you would notice where
he signed it for posterity with sticky looking red finger prints on the rough
ceramic surface. Corkster was quite proud of his handiwork, and rightly so. The
complexity of auto painting was something he had mastered. And he had done what
most people never get to do - he painted a car. I suppose I could have kiln fired the little
red car and turned the rough ceramic surface a little smoother, glossing the
glaze and melting in the glitter, but I just couldn’t do it.
Instead I displayed the little red car prominently on my
desk for all to see. When it was noticed by co-workers or potential customers,
their question would be the same, “Jeez, is that the way you guys paint cars?” My
inner devil, pouncing on the opportunity, would make me pause a beat for added suspense,
before slyly nodding, “Sometimes”. I liked the looks I got in return almost as
much as that little red car. Of course, my answer would raise a question or two
from my inquisitor about the auto painting process. I got used to having fun
with people while entertaining their questions and explaining to them in quick
shorthand just how one does go about painting a car. Sand it. Mask it. Spray
it. Clean it. Deliver it. All of it done in one day.
Them: “Do you use robots?”
Me: “No, we use Mexicans”
Them: “You mean
Hispanics?”
Me: “Yeah, them too”
Most would be grudgingly impressed, except for those who
were significantly anal, or those from my company’s advertising department who
would let me know, while pointing at the little red car’s imperfections, “No
wonder it looks like that”.
Squinting and feigning curiosity as to what they really
meant I would ask them, “You mean because we use Hispanics instead of robots?”
Obviously miffed because I asked them an impolite question,
they would insist, “No, because you paint them in one day!”
It is easy to understand their confusion. They mistook the
efficiency of modern production paint processes with the complexity of auto
painting they had carried in the back of their minds since childhood. It had to be impossible that by simply following
assembly line logic, viola, a car is magically painted in one day. No, that had
to be impossible. There had to be more to it – damn it! And I would give them a
resigned look and nod again in agreement. Yes, more to it indeed. Not only do
we paint your car in one day, we paint a lot more of them every day. Painting
more than one car isn’t hard if you follow a logical well thought out process. Sanders
sand, Maskers mask, Painters paint, Detailers clean, we followed this process over
and over again.
The most difficult part of auto painting was not the production painting process. Not by a long shot.
Difficulty usually began with those customers who were visiting us in
order to change the color of their vehicle. The hardest, most complex part of our
jobs began after asking the customer, “What color can we paint that today?” Magically,
as if struck all at once by lightning and the sudden urge to pee all thought
processes would stop in the customer’s head. Even the most decisive type A
personalities became unable to make a color decision.
Now, to be fair, it is understandable for people to have
reservations about what color they should choose. After all they have to drive
the finished product. How their car looks and handles says quite a bit about
who they are. In some places, especially car mad southern California, image is
everything. A color decision, if made incorrectly, could induce paralyzing anxiety
attacks in the customer. I have no doubt
that several Santa Mohicans (I like that identifier better than Santa Monicans
or whatever those characters in the People’s Republic of Santa Monica,
California like to call themselves) needed quite comprehensive therapy sessions to
get over their experience with having to make the decision, “What color should
I paint my car?”
Though a simple task, deciding on a color could become an
almost life or death proposition for some folks. Customers would often hem and
haw, and after mulling their predicament they would ask the inevitable question:
“What do you think the color should be?”
This, ladies and gentlemen is where your good intentions can
pave the way to your own personal vision of hell. I learned early to never volunteer
an answer to that question.
RULE #1: The customer always picks the color! My answer to
the question of color always was, “Mr/Mrs/Ms Customer this may seem ironic,
because you know I deal with colors every day, but I’m sorry - I’m color
blind”. There were a few very good
reasons for me to answer their question that way. Reason #1: Painting is
subjective and the quality of painting is always subject to debate. Sometimes
that debate could become quite loud, personal, and bordering on violent with
some of my customers embracing their inner Mohican and performing an angry
color change dance in our parking lot. If a customer is told what color their
vehicle should be painted then that vehicle will usually be repainted for free.
Why? The customer will hate the color. Count on it. Ever heard of the maxim “The
Customer Is Always Right”? He or she is if you picked their color for them, because
they will hate it, and you will paint it again. Reason #2: I have been and probably always will be a
bastard. There is a bit of a devil in me and I let him out from time to time.
Now I told you that story so I can begin my blogging about
the perils of “Good Intentions”. So what
will this blog focus on? The answer is simple really – the axiom, “The
way to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions”. This blog will cover the
gamut of good intentions run amok.
I am no longer in the auto painting business. But many
examples of good intentions that I will detail here will come from history,
literature, and of course, my personal experience.
I am doing this with no good intentions on my part, and
there is no secret altruistic motive on my part. Some things covered here will
enrage you. Some will make you laugh. Some things will cause you to seek
therapy – and you know who you are – tough shit.
Look forward to sharing with you, JHP2
